April 2
What Drives Your Emotions?
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. ––2 Timothy 1:7
What I’ve found over my years working with men is that if you can understand and manage one emotion over all others, it will go a long way toward helping you manage all your emotions. The emotion I’m referring to is fear. It’s that primal, basic emotion underneath a lot of things we think about and do.
For example, have you ever worked with someone who always has to have the last word or be “right” all the time? Beyond the fact that the person is annoying, I’d venture to guess that they are afraid they aren’t smart enough or good enough to do their job. This type of over-compensation is common—we just need to know how to look for it.
Fear is the common denominator behind a multitude of actions that can lead us away from the Lord. Bullies are afraid of being seen as weak, typically stemming from a childhood where they felt helpless or out of control. Narcissists fear being ignored because oftentimes, they didn’t get the emotional support and nurturing they needed when they were young. That’s why loyalty is a key value for folks who crave control: They surround themselves with people who won’t contradict them, rather than people who will tell them the truth.
And to be clear, sometimes fear is a good thing. If we sense danger to ourselves or our loved ones, fear can help us avoid an otherwise dangerous situation. For example, when the angel appeared to Joseph and told him to flee Judea with the baby Jesus and Mary, a healthy dose of fear drove Joseph to act. That’s good, healthy fear. But a lot of fear is used by the enemy to distract us from God’s purposes for our life.
Man of God, name your fears. Whether we like to admit it or not, the whole “No Fear” trend of the early aughts was just that: a marketing trend. If you have a hard time pinning down your “fear points,” ask yourself this question: What makes me angry, irritable, or withdrawn? The Three Ps come into play here: a man’s need to provide, protect, and procreate. Are any of these driving needs being blocked in your life? (And to be clear: As men of God, we don’t need to marry and have children to procreate; we are all called to birth and nurture spiritual children in the Lord.)
Write a list of your top emotions today. Now read the list and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal if fear is the underlying emotion buried under each emotion. For instance, “I am worried about paying my taxes” is a popular emotion this time of year. So what’s driving that worry? Is it the fear of losing your home or feeling like you aren’t a good provider? (That one is VERY common among men; you are not alone if you struggle with it.)
Excellent books and tools are available to help you further unpack this complex topic, including the “Dangerous Good” series, and particularly the second book in the series, Failsafe. The more we understand how loved and accepted we are in Christ, the less worry will fill our hearts and minds. Name your fears and then talk them through with a mentor, pastor, or therapist. As you do, my prayer for you is that the Holy Spirit will replace your fear with a spirit of assurance and with the peace that passes all understanding.
Lord, help me go beyond the daily symptoms of fear and get to the root causes of what I am afraid of. Help me break through the stereotype that “real men” deal silently and alone with their fears, and instead seek the fellowship of other brothers with whom I can form bonds of accountability.