August 24
A Time to Remain Silent
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak…. ––Ecclesiastes 3:1,7
I can slip into “Fix-It” mode in a heartbeat, even though it’s not always the best way forward. For example, at times with Chrissy when she just wants to vent after a hard day, I catch myself wanting to interrupt with what I perceive to be “fixes” to the dilemmas she’s sharing with me. Early in our relationship I thought this was what she wanted, when in fact (as I learned later), it wasn’t—she was just being polite. Sometimes, in fact, she just wants me to not say anything.
At first, when she confided with me that she doesn’t always need “Practical Kenny,” I was a little wounded. I mistook her lack of desire for words from me as a rejection of me, when in fact these two things are not necessarily related. What I learned was the power of presence: Sometimes our presence is all that’s needed in a given situation—especially when words may not adequately fit the moment. For example, when a close friend loses someone dear to them, the best medicine can just be your presence. If you have lost someone you love, you know this is true: just having someone there, even in silence, can be comforting.
Learning when to speak up and when to stay quiet is a learned skill—more so for some than others. Though I still slip into “fix-it” mode at times, this is what I’ve learned over the decades:
- We can’t underestimate the power of the Holy Spirit to move when we are with a hurting friend or family member. This statement has zero ego implied—actually, just the opposite: The more we realize we are not God, and grow in our understanding of how His presence is real and active through us, the more we can “get out of the way” and let Him bring the healing. What’s cool about the Spirit-led approach is that it completely takes the pressure off of us to bring the fix, and it allows God to work. And of course, as Solomon says, there’s a time to speak, and a time to remain silent. As we learn to better hear the whisper of the Holy Spirit, the better we become at discerning when to use words, and when to stay silent.
- Especially when it comes to offering help to a spouse, child, or friend, it’s best to read the room and act accordingly. In other words, if the phone conversation turns serious or intense, silently ask the Holy Spirit to give you direction. Is this a fix-it moment, or a “be helpful by being silent but present” moment? Oftentimes, the person with whom you are interacting will give you the answer, especially if you are patient enough to wait for it. For example, if my son calls about a work crisis, if I stay quiet—perhaps even longer than my instinct tells me to—he will stop and say, “What do you think, Dad?” This may sound fairly elementary, but test it. It’s crazy how often I used to just jump into the middle of conversations before the other person had a chance to finish. The only risk of not rushing in is to perhaps encounter an awkward silence once the person finishes talking. But more times than not, it’s the better approach than finishing their sentences or jumping to a solution.
- When it comes to private versus public conversations, the practice of remaining silent slides on a scale: The more public the forum, the better it is to err on the side of not speaking too soon. How many social media posts would you take back if you could, simply because you were fired up or angry in the moment and responded before really thinking it through? We’ve covered this topic—how we interact with the world, particularly in public forums like Facebook—in previous posts, so I won’t dive deeper. Suffice to say, stopping and praying before posting is always the better approach.
The power of shutting our mouths is vastly underrated in our culture. Rather than adding to the static and noise, man of God, make a conscious decision to check your words (and your heart) before you speak. And remember: anything the Holy Spirit may want to say through you is going to be a lot more effective than anything you could come up with on your own.
Father, guide me in my conversations and show me when to speak up and when to stay silent, and give me the wisdom to discern the difference. I invite the Holy Spirit into my daily communications, and ask Him to be the voice that guides me.