August 27

Passive-Aggressive?

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.  ––James 1:19-20

I have a friend—we’ll call him Pete—who is textbook passive-aggressive. He will tell you everything is fine, but then drop little comments loaded with biting sarcasm. I will say, “Are you sure we are good? You seem mad.” And he always denies that anything is wrong. Sometimes it’s almost comical, because everyone in the room knows that Pete is upset about something, but he will doggedly deny it. Ring a bell?

Other times when we run up against passive-aggressive behavior, it’s not so funny. The work supervisor who returns projects with no input or direction, just “this isn’t exactly what I was looking for.” The loved one who gives you the silent treatment—even though you have no idea what you’ve done wrong. The friend who always manages to slip in a zinger whenever you are with them: “The extra weight you’ve gained actually makes you look stronger,” or, “I didn’t know they were still making those shoes.”

Passive-aggressiveness is a symptom of unresolved anger and fear that does not have a healthy outlet for expression. As a result, the unresolved issues get stuffed down. But here’s the problem: what goes down must come up. In other words, if you’re dealing with loss, anger, or other negative emotions, and just keep trying to deny or avoid them, what happens? Like the pressure behind molten lava, eventually there’s going to be a volcanic eruption. When you are the one erupting, it’s a terrible feeling. This is an area I’ve had to work on in my own life: being more aware of my “stuff” and dealing with it before it gets to the point of erupting. Maybe you can relate to that, or maybe you’re the one being blown up on.

When someone emotionally vomits on you, it’s time to speak up. Confront thoughtfully but strongly, and use clear, direct language: “Pete, despite the fact that you say you are not angry, your words and actions say otherwise. I’d rather you just speak your mind and stop saying there’s nothing wrong.”

And if you are the person who struggles with passive-aggressiveness, get help. (Said with a serious but caring tone.) See a therapist, talk to your pastor, share your issue with trusted brothers. It’s not wimpy or weak to admit we’ve got stuff buried inside that fuels negative thoughts and emotions. Actually, it’s kinda weak if we just stay stuck where we are. Let the Healer in and the anger out. You’ll feel a lot better.

Father, help me deal with my own passive-aggressive behavior, and pray for others who struggle like I do.