Real Men Don’t Cry (and Other Myths)
As Jesus approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it and said, “If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace—but now it is hidden from your eyes.” ––Luke 19:41-42
There’s an old saying: The only time you see some men cry is when their dog dies. I brushed that off the first time I heard it, but then realized there’s truth to it. (If you are a dog person and have had to put a dog down, you understand.) Why is that? I think it’s because a dog’s love is utterly unconditional: We feed them and give them a safe home, and they become a fiercely loyal companion.
Also, dogs are emotionally safe. They don’t talk back, betray us, or otherwise let us down. The expression, “Dogs are a man’s best friend” is born of this sentiment.
So let’s look at the other side of this coin: Why do some men only cry when their beloved dog dies? I think some of it is cultural. For some reason, particularly in western society, a man is seen as somewhat weak if he cries easily. Entire books have been written on this subject of why many men struggle to reveal their emotions, so for our purposes, I will focus on this: Let me disabuse you of the notion that grief—expressed in the form of emotion or tears—is not masculine.
Let me spotlight two men in the Bible who grieved heavily when they lost friends or relatives: King David and Jesus. The shortest verse in the Bible perfectly captures Jesus’ grief upon hearing of the death of his friend, Lazarus: “Jesus wept.” David and his men openly grieved for days after the death of Saul—a mad king who was bent on killing David. (How ironic, right?) David also grieved the death of his infant son with Bathsheba, his covenant-friend Jonathan, and his rebellious son Absalom.
Am I saying that you have to cry to prove you are emotionally open and healthy? No. Some guys—heck, even some women—rarely cry. The more important question: Are there emotions of loss or grief buried deep inside you because you were raised to believe that letting them out showed weakness? My dad was a stoic military guy who rarely showed emotion. And it wasn’t healthy. As the youngest of nine kids in an alcoholic home, emotions weren’t safe. You weren’t supposed to show them. So it took me a long time to finally deal with that.
It’s ultimately not about how many tears you shed, but about whether or not you can recognize the emotions when they come. Remember, emotions are neither good nor bad, but they can be healthy sign-posts for what’s really going on inside us. And I can’t think of two more masculine guys than Jesus and King David. They weren’t afraid to share their emotions. And neither should we.
Lord, my emotions don’t control me, but neither do I want to pretend they don’t exist. Give me the right balance.
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John 11:35. This is the shortest verse in virtually every translation of the Bible.